A Modest Proposal

A Modest Proposal
for eliminating the warming of
the globe due to greenhouse gases

We have all heard the danger: our precious planet is heating up, the polar icecaps are melting, and quite soon those who have not already drowned will be frying like ants under the giant microscope of our own folly; the greenhouse gases we create lock in the sun’s heat just as the crunchy outside of tater tots lock in their tender potato flavour. Unless we radically change the way we deal with this terrible problem, our worst nightmares will come true, and all will suffer warm, sunny deaths.

Some very learned (and even some not-so learned) scientists have expressed their opinions on this matter clearly, and key governmental policy such as those set by the world’s most distinguishedly polluting nations in the 1985 Vienna Convention and Montreal Protocol of 1987 managed with some success to limit the production of greenhouse gases and CFCs (Chlorofluorocarbons, invented by Thomas Midgeley in the 1920's, are the leading cause of ozone depletion; our present problem is therefore all his fault.) The fact remains that there are dangerous, invisible gases high in the air which threaten to kill us all; although there are many partial solutions available, up until now no one has managed to provide a well thought-out, reasonable remedy to global warming.

For this is just what I hope to convey in this essay, my modest proposal to engage and eliminate the deadly dilemma of climate change. Before I begin, I aim to ascertain that you, the reader, are familiar with the concepts necessary to understand my highly technical solution. The earth is surrounded by an atmosphere, which scientists have luckily managed to separate into several easy-to-understand laminae, known to climatologists as “layers”. However, the one with which we are to concern ourselves is called the stratosphere, which houses ozone. The ozone layer shields us from the sun’s rays, and as recently as the 80s we discovered that there was a “hole” above the Antarctic. Now, though this was readily apparent to me, I have not found anyone else, even scientists in the field, who remarked this simple fact; here we are producing greenhouse gases, which we need to rid ourselves of, and now we have a hole in the ozone, a perfect escape route for our unwanted gas.

My proposal is twofold: firstly, that we do our utmost to increase the size of the Antarctic hole, and secondly that we also create a second hole somewhere else in the world. My reason for this can also be folded twice; I have doubts that we would be able to enlarge the first ozone hole sufficiently to allow all our greenhouse gases to escape, and also that, as the old saying goes, “two holes are better than one”. The question that comes to mind next is therefore where to put this second hole; it is imperative that it be located so as to cause minimal disruption and damage, that is, over a useless mass of land.

Great Britain would be perfectly situated for the location of the second hole in the ozone layer for several reasons. Firstly, the British would not be bothered by the more intense sun, owing to the fact that they do not go to the dentist and consequently leave their abodes much less than the average American or Canadian. Nor would the English need to visit the supermarket more than once a month; as anyone who has been there can attest, most of the ingredients required for their cooking may be found in the grease traps of their deep fryers. The dangers of direct sunlight include malignant melanoma and basal and squamous cell carcinomas, commonly known as skin cancer; as most Brits are naturally horribly disfigured, malignant tumors will have a much smaller impact on them than on countries filled with beautiful people such as Sweden and Australia. An increase of UV radiation would also affect crops by affecting cyanobacteria residing on their roots for the retention of nitrogen, but as everyone knows that Great Britain does not produce anything useful to the rest of the world, the effect would be as negligible as Margaret Thatcher’s IQ.

My method of enlarging the ozone holes is quite simple, as it consists simply of finding new uses for spray-propellant (CFC causing) cans. New national pastimes such as fire-extinguisher-on-wheely-chair races and whipped-cream-eating competitions can be easily organized, and would help through teamwork and sportsmanship to unite warring cultures and races.

There are many that would dismiss this extraordinary solution as fantastical, or “too good to be true”. Scientists may claim it is “simply not feasable” or “the product of a dangerous, possibly retarded mind”, but I need not remind you that science created CFCs, global warming, and ozone. So why should we listen to those who only seek to drown us in fear? The British may object to the location of the proposed second ozone hole, but since we have taken their language they no longer have anything which would be of use to us, and should be done away with once and for all. As an added perk to this plan, the world would also be free of Madonna and Simon Cowell. (Ideally, we would be able to save Rowan Atkinson) Finally, your brain may object to my proposal; this is natural, and it will pass.

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