A Modest Proposal

A Modest Proposal
for eliminating the warming of
the globe due to greenhouse gases

We have all heard the danger: our precious planet is heating up, the polar icecaps are melting, and quite soon those who have not already drowned will be frying like ants under the giant microscope of our own folly; the greenhouse gases we create lock in the sun’s heat just as the crunchy outside of tater tots lock in their tender potato flavour. Unless we radically change the way we deal with this terrible problem, our worst nightmares will come true, and all will suffer warm, sunny deaths.

Some very learned (and even some not-so learned) scientists have expressed their opinions on this matter clearly, and key governmental policy such as those set by the world’s most distinguishedly polluting nations in the 1985 Vienna Convention and Montreal Protocol of 1987 managed with some success to limit the production of greenhouse gases and CFCs (Chlorofluorocarbons, invented by Thomas Midgeley in the 1920's, are the leading cause of ozone depletion; our present problem is therefore all his fault.) The fact remains that there are dangerous, invisible gases high in the air which threaten to kill us all; although there are many partial solutions available, up until now no one has managed to provide a well thought-out, reasonable remedy to global warming.

For this is just what I hope to convey in this essay, my modest proposal to engage and eliminate the deadly dilemma of climate change. Before I begin, I aim to ascertain that you, the reader, are familiar with the concepts necessary to understand my highly technical solution. The earth is surrounded by an atmosphere, which scientists have luckily managed to separate into several easy-to-understand laminae, known to climatologists as “layers”. However, the one with which we are to concern ourselves is called the stratosphere, which houses ozone. The ozone layer shields us from the sun’s rays, and as recently as the 80s we discovered that there was a “hole” above the Antarctic. Now, though this was readily apparent to me, I have not found anyone else, even scientists in the field, who remarked this simple fact; here we are producing greenhouse gases, which we need to rid ourselves of, and now we have a hole in the ozone, a perfect escape route for our unwanted gas.

My proposal is twofold: firstly, that we do our utmost to increase the size of the Antarctic hole, and secondly that we also create a second hole somewhere else in the world. My reason for this can also be folded twice; I have doubts that we would be able to enlarge the first ozone hole sufficiently to allow all our greenhouse gases to escape, and also that, as the old saying goes, “two holes are better than one”. The question that comes to mind next is therefore where to put this second hole; it is imperative that it be located so as to cause minimal disruption and damage, that is, over a useless mass of land.

Great Britain would be perfectly situated for the location of the second hole in the ozone layer for several reasons. Firstly, the British would not be bothered by the more intense sun, owing to the fact that they do not go to the dentist and consequently leave their abodes much less than the average American or Canadian. Nor would the English need to visit the supermarket more than once a month; as anyone who has been there can attest, most of the ingredients required for their cooking may be found in the grease traps of their deep fryers. The dangers of direct sunlight include malignant melanoma and basal and squamous cell carcinomas, commonly known as skin cancer; as most Brits are naturally horribly disfigured, malignant tumors will have a much smaller impact on them than on countries filled with beautiful people such as Sweden and Australia. An increase of UV radiation would also affect crops by affecting cyanobacteria residing on their roots for the retention of nitrogen, but as everyone knows that Great Britain does not produce anything useful to the rest of the world, the effect would be as negligible as Margaret Thatcher’s IQ.

My method of enlarging the ozone holes is quite simple, as it consists simply of finding new uses for spray-propellant (CFC causing) cans. New national pastimes such as fire-extinguisher-on-wheely-chair races and whipped-cream-eating competitions can be easily organized, and would help through teamwork and sportsmanship to unite warring cultures and races.

There are many that would dismiss this extraordinary solution as fantastical, or “too good to be true”. Scientists may claim it is “simply not feasable” or “the product of a dangerous, possibly retarded mind”, but I need not remind you that science created CFCs, global warming, and ozone. So why should we listen to those who only seek to drown us in fear? The British may object to the location of the proposed second ozone hole, but since we have taken their language they no longer have anything which would be of use to us, and should be done away with once and for all. As an added perk to this plan, the world would also be free of Madonna and Simon Cowell. (Ideally, we would be able to save Rowan Atkinson) Finally, your brain may object to my proposal; this is natural, and it will pass.

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Morning Comics

These are more experimental comics for A Sigh of Relief...trying out new things. For example, the baby is a sideways picture, the chart has one side taken out of it, and the text taken out of context is the first I've done without a pic.

So, this afternoon I found out I was going to Seattle for the weekend. It should have clicked two weeks ago when my dad asked me if I wanted to go to the Jimi Hendrix museum. It should have clicked a week ago when everyone else in my house was talking about it. It definitely should have all fallen into place when Andrew Hanevelt asked me if I was going to Seattle last Tuesday. I remeber answering "no, I don't think so..." while privately wondering how he could possibly have gotten the idea I was going anywhere. The bubble I live in is a happy place, and it takes some persistence to break through the haze which clouds facts from getting anywhere near me. Like when I was going to pick my mom up at the airport and I realized she had been gone. Then I got the universal comment from all my teachers at the conferences: "Smart kid, but he's not organized and badly needs to respect deadlines". This, however, is not my fault. My agenda has no February, March or April, so how can I be expected to remeber anything? (it has two May, June, and Julys, so I will be twice as organized later) Of course, that would only make sense if I used my agenda instead of scribbling all sorts of useless phrases all through it (What exactly is "euphoria for the pedestrian"?) Anyways.

My Door

Today I got my ninth yellow card of the soccer season in an interesting way-on a corner kick, I ran into the goalie (not hard, though, I barely hit him) and he immediately threw himself to the ground, clutching the side of his head and screaming. It was kind of a spark for the whole game-the other team yelled a panapale of obscenities at me, the parents threatened players on my team with a rather pointy-looking umbrella. I laughed and promptly ran right at the goalie again, he punched me and we got a free kick. He was so angry that he cost them the game, and just to rub it in I scored from the center line. As there were no knives involved this time, it was a good game, all I got was punched in the chest and elbowed in the nose.

This I also found amusing: Last night I closed the door to my room before noticing that it had no knob. As everyone else in the house was asleep I couldn't make a loud noise trying to open it, so I just forgot about it and went to sleep. When I woke up this morning I tried to open it but couldn't, because apparently the fact that my window was closed meant that the air pressure made it hard to open. I had to knock for someone to come let me out.

Last Week's Music

Yesterday I went and saw Dr. Lonnie Smith (^up there^) play. Only in jazz can a performer have 70 CDs (seriously) and yet most people have never heard of him... Really interesting guy though-he walks slowly out with a cane, white beard and turban, sits down at the organ deliberately with a serious, intense look, then without saying a word plays some great funky music-all the while maintaining a crazy mystique-his huge, expressive eyes mischievious, laughing with the joy of the music, sharing with everyone in the room. (Funny, though, I'm pretty sure he isn't Indian or sikh, just wears a turban...hmm...no, I don't think I could pull it off) It was also a nice surprise to see Bernie Arai playing drums with him-I know him from playing in the UBC senior jazz band this summer, where he was our rhythm section coach. I hadn't seen him since July, and he's one of the best jazz drummers I've ever heard, so it was great.

No! I just remembered I forgot to remeber to recite poetry to Mrs. Douglas yesterday... yes, of course for lit class! Gross.

The other interesting musical escapade of the week was going to see Tenant practice (Tanner, Jon, Norm and Rick's band) in the world-famous trapdoor basement. Even if it's not my style of music they are incredibly tight and heavy, so I think it'd be a terrible shame if people didn't appreciate 'em. Plus, you always got to root for the home team, and as they're only about a block away I'll buy the new album. Listening to them from 5 feet away is like getting hit with a machine gun of rhythm in the chest-lucky I had that one earplug with me...

Oh, and, a bad answer when a cop at a roadcheck asks you if you've had any alcohol is: "No, but I've had some coke." ... "Okay, step out of the car, sir."

Urgent Message

Whoever keeps switching my lock to a different one during school should stop. I keep coming to my locker between classes, and a different lock is on my locker. It does not open to my combination and severely confuses me, forcing me to go to class without essential pens, binders, and nutrients. When I return later, my lock has mysteriously returned. This has happened three seperate times since last Wednesday, and if whoever's responsible don't show themselves soon I might actually lose my mind, because I can't stand not knowing who's messing with me.
Arrrgggh.

P.S. I might have just been at the wrong locker.

Judging People

I’ve been thinking about my own personal criteria for people: what I like in others. I think the biggest thing for me is hard to define; I’d call it brightness or quickness. Not really intelligence, but the ability to understand and say something funny, interesting, original-wondering what their take on something is, because it’s bound to be worthwhile. Unpredictable people I love and hate... not knowing what a reaction is going to be, for example being able to get away with an idiotic comment when they’re in a certain mood, but other times getting frozen out. It’s a lot of pressure, by the same token, because you have to constantly feel how far you can go (and the fact that you’re not sure if they’ll like what you have to say or not) is nerve-wracking and rewarding. There’s something to say for feeling comfortable, too. Knowing that no matter what you do or say can change what someone thinks of you is safe, reassuring. Then again, some times people are great for no reason...anything out of their mouth is gold, because they’re amusing as a whole. I can actually say I don’t hate anyone, as I’ve never really had a problem in my life (guess I’m lucky). For me, there’s something about every person I know that will make me laugh, so I just have to find it and then concentrate on that. It occurs to me that I’m excessively optimistic. That’s probably true. Actually, everyone I’m friends with, I am because I think they’re better than me in some way and I hope it rubs off on me.

Never underestimate how scared people from England are of bears. The thing is, the bears are still more scared of people from England than the English are of the bears.